Posted by
Charles Lewis on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 8:33:34 AM
If there's anything certain in this ever changing post-modern world, it's the veracity of the man-made global warming hypothesis. It has to be true, as the post-modern god, Consensus, has bestowed upon it his unqualified seal of approval.
It's so fully established that even rules of free speech no longer apply. The Weather Channel has put out a fatwa against meteorologists who express doubt about any part of the mantra (oops, once they do so they can no long technically be called "meteorologists"). The Brits, I hear, are barring the distribution of the DVD of a BBC show (www.rightalk.com) that at least appeared to thoroughly debunk this article of faith; these Brits are, in fact, specifically citing the irrelevance of free speech here.
Others have proposed Nuremburg-type trials for GW deniers. (That's GW for Global Warming - you can deny George Washington all you want. Just don't send out e-mails quoting him to fellow profs, as that's harassment, worthy of condemnation to the scrap heap previously reserved for heretical weathermen.)
In fact, GW seems to have filled the void created with the prohibition of the Good Book from public discourse. Even Duncan Hunter (supposedly one of the three true conservatives, among the seven Bush-style poseurs) genuflected, sappily, before its altar in a recent pre-primary-presidential-preferential debate (mark your calendar; elections in just 517 days).
In light of all this infallibility, I was understandably perplexed at the behavior of the weather in recent months. It started with last hurricane season, which GW theology had prophesied would just about wipe us out. When no storms of any consequence materialized, I was puzzled (I kept it to myself, of course, not wanting to have to face the Simon Weisenthals of the Weather Defamation League).
Then we went through a winter here in sultry South Carolina where our heating bills were high enough to make a Minnesotan wince. I resisted the urge to even blink. Then came a mid-April frost, destroying all of my wife's backyard crops. Now it's practically mid-May, our A/C is atrophying for total lack of use, and it's still dropping into the mid-40's at some point just about every day. It just wasn't adding up.
Then it dawned on me. How could I have been so foolish? It's those carbon offsets Al Gore has been paying! They've really been working! (And there were those who scoffed, may they rest in peace.) One dedicated, unbelievably generous man with a house that uses eleven times the energy of mine or yours has managed to turn this whole thing on its ear.
Just one thing, Al. Enough already. Let's not overdo it. We're freezing here in the deep south, for Gaia's sake. Ease up on them eco-indulgences. There's got to be something else you can do with your zillions.
Buy some war bonds - oops, you're an appeaser. So donate to Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, NAMBLA, La Raza...(I assume you own at least one of those companies).
I've got it! Pour your $ into the Internet. Surely you have a patent on that.